Snow Lake

I woke up at sunset, having slept
through the bristling hot day
and looked out over the frigid
lake afire with the setting sun.
So strong were the waves of color
in the sky that they splashed
into the water and so clear
were the mountains that I
could not tell solid from reflection,
dream from reality.

Tag

I tried to catch a rainbow today.
It slipped through my hands
and disappeared into the hills.
I tried to catch the sun today,
but I ran and ran and ran
out of breath. I tried to catch
you today, but found you
running right beside me.

Things that are broken:
My computer: the mouse clicker doesn't work and sometimes it doesn't recognize disks and it wont go to "my computer."
My car: the automatic transmission warning light comes on sporadically
My Mp3 player: who knows...I guess I shouldn't have taken it hiking with me...
My bike light: maybe it's out of batteries.
My watch: The velcro wrist band is all worn out.
My water bladder
My hiking boots: They are not in dire striates but they leak in holy places.
My bike: their is a large hole in the tire, not the tube, the tire. Actually, I fixed that.
My camera: the memory card always wants to format and my computer will not read it. Actually, I may have solved that problem as well.

Things that are not broken:
My dehydrator
My phone
My bones
My camping gear
My favorite pants

yap, I think that's it.

Spring Thaw

Like the highly anticipated
spring rain you
washed over me.
Cool water in a sheath
of brisk breathy air.

Oh what a winter it was,
frosted with lonely nights,
sleepy hours. I was pitted
and hollow, an empty shell
swelling around an ice core.

I saw through the glass
to your eye and like
an icicle in May,
I melted, a jagged point
dulling into a pool of silver.

You swooped in like
a summer storm and I uncurled
my wings, slowly sharing
those feelings petrified
in winter’s wayward wind.

Now July has settled
in like a stagnant stone
and summer’s thawing
warmth has so quickly
retracted into wilting heat.

Crystal Litmus

I carried you here
for years untold, a banished
flame, a bud of crystal
litmus curled beneath
a bundle of paper cranes.

I held you close for fear
of flying. I held you
close and squeezed
with boa constrictor
might. How tight a torrid
tangle did emerge
and how it did bind
me like a noose of steel.

And in that rush of rain
and sleet, I lost my hold
on you, on my ground,
my golden chrysalis.

But my gasping, grasping
hand did find you riding
atop the foaming brine
and my water logged
lunges did breath easy
once again. All for
the love we shared.

Live With Intention
Walk to the edge
listen hard. Laugh
Practice wellness. Play
with abandon. Continue to
learn. Appreciate your
friends. Choose with
no regret.
Do what you love.
Live as if
this is all there is.
Mary Anne Radmaches

You know that feeling...that feeling like you are stuck in between times. That's what I feel right now. I'm stuck in between starting and ending, the earth and the sky, Montana and Washington and finally, I'm stuck in between people.

I finally found my place in Montana...I found of group of kids where I can be more like myself than I've ever felt. They were high energy, both in actions and karma. And now we have parted ways...we have scattered to the four corners of the world, literally. I'm missing them, I'm missing their support and their love and their hugs and their laughs. But I'm back in Washington with old friends, comfortable friends and I'm feeling comfortable and I'm feeling a misconnection. There must be some quote out there for what I'm feeling. Something like old friendships never die, they just fade away. They did just fade away...

I went to SU graduation yesterday. It was one of the most emotional things I've done in awhile and I wore mascara to boot. It figures I would wear makeup the one day I'm going to cry my eyes out. But watching my peer group walk across the stage and collect there diploma, toss their hats into the air and hug each other with giant grins made me think about my life's what ifs and should haves, could haves, might haves. I could have been walking across that stage in the middle of Qwest field, "Rachel Kaufman, Magna Cumme Laude" and worn my Honors Program Cords. I would have been number 16 on the list of students who completed the Honors Program at SU. I could have been up there too. I know that I took the right path when I chose not to return to SU. I know my life has been rich and full and right, but the what ifs are emotional to entertain.

More over, all those people walking across the stage, I knew so many of them. They were good friends, but not anymore. Where did that go? Are the bonds I make so easy to break? It seems so... I feel like I am facing so many close relationships that have gone cold. That doesn't mean that they were worthless at the time, no not at all. It just means that I'm no good at beneath the surface or second times or long distance or substance.

I wish I could say everything I need to say here. I wish I could always say everything I need to say.

Last Song
by Jason Webley

One day,
The snow began to fall,
And slowly, inch by inch,
Covered up the earth.
'Til finally,
The top of the tallest building,
Was lost beneath a powdered sea,
As quiet as a shadow's grave.

And we say that the world isn't dying.
And we pray that the world isn't dying.
And just maybe the world isn't dying.
Maybe she's heavy with child.

One night,
A woman took my hand.
I left my home and followed her
Into an icy field.
When I wanted to go back,
I'd lost the way.
So she beckoned me to lie beneath
The stone that always bore my name.

One morning,
We woke up in an alley.
To the smell of urine, alcohol,
Trash and gasoline,
With a dim sense of a notion
We'd held something in our hands,
That was bigger than us or God,
And we can never touch again.

I've been looking at the symptoms for a while,
Maybe she's heavy with child.

Stella

Listen, soft, I caught a falling star yesterday.
It was on its way to the western shore, on its way, on its way.
I caught it as it plummeted by,
meandering down through the growling sky.
Our hearts pulsed together while cradled in my hand it did lie.
And should we ever need a breath from another time,
soft, all we need do is remember this rhyme.

I just noticed the funniest thing. This is my two year blogging anniversary. Check out my first ever post here. Happy anniversary to me.


Oh yes... and in completely unrelated news, these are my friends.

I am alive!!!
I want to pour like orange juice out of a pitcher. Then I want to take big gulps of myself from a chilled glass and sit down on the grass in the warm sun to thaw. Winter is a long time to freeze.
You know, the other day, while the sun was burning on my back, and my bare toes curled in the dry grass, I felt my spirit lift a little. It is struggling free folks and the Spring thunderstorms and the gusts of wind peppered with lightening are gonna shake it free.
Do you remember standing in a field with your arms spread out, reaching to the horizons with your fingers, lightly brushing them and feeling the ridges and humps. Then the wind gusted up from behind and you could lean back into it without holding on?
When I was little, maybe four or five, I flew...not in an airplane or on an eagle's back... I actually lifted off the ground right where my driveway met Quail Road. No one was around and the air was dead quiet. I was wearing a purple satin prom dress that was way too big and a crown of fake flowers.
I hope I am never too old to remember.

Those, I didn't eat, but some people did.

This is my buddy Siren and I in Costa Rica

I have been fairly absent lately. Absent from this blog, absent from my friends, absent-minded. I don't know why and I don't really want to expound right now. So, instead of being deep and philosophical about why I am the way I am etc., I'm going to tell you some shallow yet interesting things about my life.

I am currently and have been planning for the past three weeks to be an environmental science major with a minor in not for profit business and international development.

This semester, I am taking chemistry, geography, statistics and economics. In a one hundred percent change of pace, I don't have any papers to write this semester! I'm glowing.

I picked up the guitar again. I hope this lasts.

Summer looks like trail work again! I was going to try to fight fire but I think I'm too week to qualify. I can't do a pull up or a boy push up, how embarrassing. But I can beat certain boys at arm wrestling!

I sent about 500 dollars to Tuskegee International School in Ghana. They used the money to buy building supplies for their school. Thank you to everyone who donated!!! If you have any ideas about fundraising let me know.

I love music but most of all I love the Rolling Stones! Their new album A Bigger Bang is great. I also recently picked up Exile on Mainstreet. It makes me cry because it sounds so incredibly twangy. But here's the coolest; Stripped! It's a 1995 release of live recordings from their tour. It spans their whole career and has a lot of b-side tracks. Not to mention, the second track is Like a Rolling Stone.

Also, if you haven't heard Manu Chao or Cat Empire, check them out. Manu Chao is the ultimate world music musician. His lyrics are in English, French, Spanish, Portuguese and he is so non sequential. Cat Empire is from Australia and funky. I think they sound a lot like Dispatch. I also can't get enough Good Charlotte, Badly Drawn Boy or Belle and Sebastian. And the really exciting news is that Franz Ferdinand and Peter Tosh are on their way!

In other news, I am looking forward to Jazz Fest, Spring Break backpacking in a Utah national park and Bloomsday. Also on the platter, a possible trip to Vegas with my dad and a possible trip to Mexico from May to June.

Here's an excerpt from a book I'm reading: "Doctors sometimes draw maps of other parts of you, and your own map can become intensely interesting, but catch them trying to draw a map of a child's mind, which is not only confused, but keeps going round all the time. There are zigzag lines on it, just like your temperature on a card, and these are probably roads in the island; for the Neverland is always more or less and island, with astonishing splashes of colour here and there, and coral reefs and reakish-looking craft in the offing, and savages and lonely lairs, and gnomes who are mostly tailors, and caves through which a river runs, and princes with six elder brother, and a hut fast going to decay, and one very small old lady with a hooked nose. It would be an easy map if that were all; but thee is also first day at school, religion, fathers, the round pond, needlework, murders, hangings, verbs that take the dative, chocolate pudding day, getting into braces, say ninety-nine, three pence for pulling out your tooth yourself and so on; and either these are part of the island or they are another map showing through, and it is all rather confusing, especially as nothing will stand still."

So...that's that. I'm going to go wrastle up so pigs and give them all a shampoo and a shave and I'm going to try to stop running away from my fears one baby step at a time.

What an amazing winter break this has been!
I am really excited about all the things I have done and seen. I have packed a lot into just four weeks.
I guess the most recent things are going back to Fortuna and Volcan Arenal to visit a friend that I met the first time I was there. We had a really good time. We visited a swimming hole with a rope swing and two beautiful waterfalls and made spaghetti for some locals.
I also went to the Nicoya Peninsula and lounged on the beaches of Montezuma and Mal Piez for about 5 days. I met a wonderful girl on the ferry over. We became fast friends and traveled together for the past 5 days. She was a breath of fresh air after all the numerous guy companions I have been traveling with. Strangely enough, she disapeared this morning, luggage and all. So I went to San Jose as planned. I hope she is ok.
Now I am in San Jose, soaking up the big city culture after the ultra chill of the hippie surfer atmosphere of the peninsula. This city is crazy but fun.
I am looking forward to one last outing tomorrow to Volcan Poas.

Ola! I find myself in Panama! Craxy Huh? Other crazy things: Stayed for two days with a Tico family in a small palm nut harvesting town. We swam in the river with Crocidillios and jumped from high tree branches Road on the weel covering of a tractor for several miles to investigate flood damage Tried tongue (I´ll let your imagination wander) Hitch hiking in the back of a pick up truck road in the cab of a semi taught Ticos how to foot bag Watched Lord of the Rings in Spanish Somehow carried on a two hour long conversation in Spanish Took almost a hundred pictures of the Tico family I stayed with! I´ll see the canal tomorrow!!! Adios Amigos

It's a beautiful day in Costa Rica. In fact, all of the days have been beautiful. The light rain showers in the afternoon are very refreshing. The town of Fortuna is beneath Volcan Arenal and at night you can see the lava glowing red! We went on a boat ride and saw many exotic animals. We also went to a wonderful hotsprings and soaked for hours and hours under the starry sky. The locals set off fire works last night for Christmas Eve. It was quite the show. Today we are off to the cloud and rain forests of Monte Verde.
Merry Xmas all!!

Hello my darlings!
I am speaking to you from the ever wonderful, the ever green Costa Rica!
After a lot of unwanted and uncalled for delays we finally pulled into town today at 2:30 pm. That's right, over 24 hours worth of travel.
But Costa Rica is warm, beautiful, green and completely different from anything I've ever experienced before. The aunt, the mom and I went for a walk along the road (busy as hell and no sidewalks) to a little restaurant were we ordered up some bebers (drinks) and some chow. A wonderful mix was on the radio and we had a varied assortment of dishes including little tortillas with a relish tray and a whole roasted garlic, enchilada, stuffed chilis and heart of palm salad. MMMmmm. The people here a really nice. I can't say that I have seen a lot of the real culture, mainly just a busy road but I have high hopes for the next month. Tomorrow, we head to the grand Volcana Arenal, which is still lively as all get out and soak in the hot springs there abouts, go on a night tour looking for animals and generally bask in the "bad" feeling one gets from hanging out within death's grip right under an active volcano.
Adios!

Dodowa Road

Lapping dogs with lamenting dirges
called to me from sunburned Savannah
hills. Thirsty dogs, dry as sand and wind-
streaked tongues, with paws cracked
in Hamartan heat, pad up and down
the blood red road. Back and forth
they oscillate, circle round and round,
dead dogs. They haunt the side of the road,
rotting like war, rotting like rinds
of salted roast. Day after day, electricity,
cascading neurons, vanish with five
o'clock sunset. Hair and eyebrows gone
like a two year old's birthday cake.
Muscle and skin, toenails and eyeballs
are devoured like a fine book at one a.m.
Nerves and muscle, cartilage and soft
organs are pulled from cavities like precious
jewels and day after day, the road reaches
long to the north, and south to the sea.
The entire walk, rotting dogs decay
to dusty bones and dripping dreams.

Reflex

It all began on a rocking horse.
The story of my life, a talking horse,
started slow, like a second date,
a secret wish served on broken
plate, a golden coin, flattened
on railroad steel. I twitched
and conceived a critique
of consciousness. A cactus of truth
pierced my skin, drooled out
a foreign friend. Transposed
in a perspiring melange,
we painted a tapestry
of terracotta pearls and timid
paper and plastic,
expanding like a wicked
little shadow, inebriating
me like a salty sailor.
The curve of a smile puckers
in carefully colored calendars.
Teeth on Tuesdays, grins
on Mondays and chortles
on Fridays.
Week after week a sad
love song whispers
on my shoulder like an evil
demon, urging me to your
cracked egg shell smiles
and flakey pastry prose.
We both know that making
the sun rise is like muting
a silent monkey.
It has already happened.