You know that feeling...that feeling like you are stuck in between times. That's what I feel right now. I'm stuck in between starting and ending, the earth and the sky, Montana and Washington and finally, I'm stuck in between people.

I finally found my place in Montana...I found of group of kids where I can be more like myself than I've ever felt. They were high energy, both in actions and karma. And now we have parted ways...we have scattered to the four corners of the world, literally. I'm missing them, I'm missing their support and their love and their hugs and their laughs. But I'm back in Washington with old friends, comfortable friends and I'm feeling comfortable and I'm feeling a misconnection. There must be some quote out there for what I'm feeling. Something like old friendships never die, they just fade away. They did just fade away...

I went to SU graduation yesterday. It was one of the most emotional things I've done in awhile and I wore mascara to boot. It figures I would wear makeup the one day I'm going to cry my eyes out. But watching my peer group walk across the stage and collect there diploma, toss their hats into the air and hug each other with giant grins made me think about my life's what ifs and should haves, could haves, might haves. I could have been walking across that stage in the middle of Qwest field, "Rachel Kaufman, Magna Cumme Laude" and worn my Honors Program Cords. I would have been number 16 on the list of students who completed the Honors Program at SU. I could have been up there too. I know that I took the right path when I chose not to return to SU. I know my life has been rich and full and right, but the what ifs are emotional to entertain.

More over, all those people walking across the stage, I knew so many of them. They were good friends, but not anymore. Where did that go? Are the bonds I make so easy to break? It seems so... I feel like I am facing so many close relationships that have gone cold. That doesn't mean that they were worthless at the time, no not at all. It just means that I'm no good at beneath the surface or second times or long distance or substance.

I wish I could say everything I need to say here. I wish I could always say everything I need to say.