Monday, June 26, 2006

Things that are broken:
My computer: the mouse clicker doesn't work and sometimes it doesn't recognize disks and it wont go to "my computer."
My car: the automatic transmission warning light comes on sporadically
My Mp3 player: who knows...I guess I shouldn't have taken it hiking with me...
My bike light: maybe it's out of batteries.
My watch: The velcro wrist band is all worn out.
My water bladder
My hiking boots: They are not in dire striates but they leak in holy places.
My bike: their is a large hole in the tire, not the tube, the tire. Actually, I fixed that.
My camera: the memory card always wants to format and my computer will not read it. Actually, I may have solved that problem as well.

Things that are not broken:
My dehydrator
My phone
My bones
My camping gear
My favorite pants

yap, I think that's it.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Spring Thaw

Like the highly anticipated
spring rain you
washed over me.
Cool water in a sheath
of brisk breathy air.

Oh what a winter it was,
frosted with lonely nights,
sleepy hours. I was pitted
and hollow, an empty shell
swelling around an ice core.

I saw through the glass
to your eye and like
an icicle in May,
I melted, a jagged point
dulling into a pool of silver.

You swooped in like
a summer storm and I uncurled
my wings, slowly sharing
those feelings petrified
in winter’s wayward wind.

Now July has settled
in like a stagnant stone
and summer’s thawing
warmth has so quickly
retracted into wilting heat.
Crystal Litmus

I carried you here
for years untold, a banished
flame, a bud of crystal
litmus curled beneath
a bundle of paper cranes.

I held you close for fear
of flying. I held you
close and squeezed
with boa constrictor
might. How tight a torrid
tangle did emerge
and how it did bind
me like a noose of steel.

And in that rush of rain
and sleet, I lost my hold
on you, on my ground,
my golden chrysalis.

But my gasping, grasping
hand did find you riding
atop the foaming brine
and my water logged
lunges did breath easy
once again. All for
the love we shared.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Live With Intention
Walk to the edge
listen hard. Laugh
Practice wellness. Play
with abandon. Continue to
learn. Appreciate your
friends. Choose with
no regret.
Do what you love.
Live as if
this is all there is.
Mary Anne Radmaches
You know that feeling...that feeling like you are stuck in between times. That's what I feel right now. I'm stuck in between starting and ending, the earth and the sky, Montana and Washington and finally, I'm stuck in between people.

I finally found my place in Montana...I found of group of kids where I can be more like myself than I've ever felt. They were high energy, both in actions and karma. And now we have parted ways...we have scattered to the four corners of the world, literally. I'm missing them, I'm missing their support and their love and their hugs and their laughs. But I'm back in Washington with old friends, comfortable friends and I'm feeling comfortable and I'm feeling a misconnection. There must be some quote out there for what I'm feeling. Something like old friendships never die, they just fade away. They did just fade away...

I went to SU graduation yesterday. It was one of the most emotional things I've done in awhile and I wore mascara to boot. It figures I would wear makeup the one day I'm going to cry my eyes out. But watching my peer group walk across the stage and collect there diploma, toss their hats into the air and hug each other with giant grins made me think about my life's what ifs and should haves, could haves, might haves. I could have been walking across that stage in the middle of Qwest field, "Rachel Kaufman, Magna Cumme Laude" and worn my Honors Program Cords. I would have been number 16 on the list of students who completed the Honors Program at SU. I could have been up there too. I know that I took the right path when I chose not to return to SU. I know my life has been rich and full and right, but the what ifs are emotional to entertain.

More over, all those people walking across the stage, I knew so many of them. They were good friends, but not anymore. Where did that go? Are the bonds I make so easy to break? It seems so... I feel like I am facing so many close relationships that have gone cold. That doesn't mean that they were worthless at the time, no not at all. It just means that I'm no good at beneath the surface or second times or long distance or substance.

I wish I could say everything I need to say here. I wish I could always say everything I need to say.